Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings

People Looking for my Book Monique – Meanwhile I’m Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings

The following is a piss-take /humorous take on the obsession of Amazon rankings. It is not designed to be taken seriously.

Refresh.

1 Download.

Refresh.

1 Download.

Refresh.

1 Download.

It’s been a whole 3 seconds and I still only have 1 new download. Why am I Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings?

Refresh. Yep, no movement. It’s been a whole 55 seconds and not a single new person has brought my book.

Refresh. 8 more seconds and still nada, zip. Frustrating.

Check the internet connection. Maybe I need to sign out? I sign out and back in again, wait 2 seconds for the KDP to load. Refresh – just in case it didn’t work the first time. 1 Download.

I wrote a book and now I won’t shut up about it. It turns out, I’m the only one who won’t shut up about it.

Apparently I’m a serial killer. I kill books. My own. My own damn book won’t sell millions of copies. It is that bad? Did I just write the worst book in history?

I’m thinking about the content in the book, rape, blowjobs, lots of fucking, more rape, abuse, drugs, lots and lots of drugs. Oh God no. Did my Gran find out I wrote a book? Grannie can’t read this, no way. There’s no way my Gran read this and gave it 5 stars. Is there? Panic then refresh one more time.

Get a life, go out, drink with mates and try desperately not to think about my never-ending Obsession Over Amazon Rankings.

“How’s things with you mate? What have you been doing?” I’m asked by long-term mates.

Talk about book, watch eyes glaze over. I’m still the only person who wants to go on about my book. Except for that guy on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook who keeps liking and forwarding my posts and telling his friends “this is the book to read.”

Refresh.

Ok, even with a hangover, I’m still not getting many new downloads.

Yep, I’m still Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings.

Time to search through Google and see if the answers are any different this time, what have I done wrong?

How do I improve my ebook rankings, I type.

Same old shit.

One guy, who’s blog I’ve read a hundred times states that he had the same problem. Until he made his book free, then suddenly he had 10,000 free downloads a day. After his 5 free KDP days were over, he still made thousands of sales per day. Apparently the ranking of his book from free to paid carried over.

Refresh.

3 Downloads.

Shit. Maybe I should make my book free too?

I made my book free. From the whole over-priced 3 dollars and 99 cents. For a book that took me over 6 months to write and well over that to research and interview. I can’t even shift it at 3 fucking 99.

50 Downloads.

Refresh.

160 Downloads.

I sleep, troubled, dreams of finally shifting some books.

I wake up and excitedly run to the laptop. First time I’ve done that in a long time.

Refresh.

284 Downloads.

Are you fucking kidding me? Where is this 10,000 downloads you lying prick!?

Day 2. Refresh. 355 Downloads.

Bullshit.

I’ve learned one thing in my very short writing career. I’m definitely a serial killer. I killed my first book. It tanked. It sank. It sunk. It stunk. I’m a failure. I’ve made enough money to be able to go and buy a cup of coffee from my local bookshop. That same bookshop who has 2 copies of my books sitting on their shelves – in the back room. How do I ask politely for them to move it to the front of the store? I mean, I do buy a coffee here every day right?

Book two is coming. Mr 303. I add it to the pre-release and hope for the best. Just as my KDP free days are coming to an end and I’m wondering who the hell gets 10,000 downloads for a book these days, I check my Obsession Over Amazon Rankings is still very much in tact.

Refresh.

202 Downloads. 1 Pre-release Download.

Awesome. My career as a writer has ended before it began.

Refresh. Yes, It’s definitely over. I can’t sell books. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone down the whole Indie route. Maybe looking for a publisher to gratify my need to have sold more than a thousand books wasn’t so stupid.

Don’t refresh. Take a break. Nothing could possibly have happened in the last 10 seconds.

I’ve discovered this very bit of valuable advice for new authors as I myself went down that rabbit hole. Don’t become that person who is forever Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings. Rule number 1.

Rule number 2, get a life and stop stressing over something you have little control over.

Your books will sell in time, not in one day. Anyone who claims their book shifts more than 10,000 a day and isn’t through a mainstream traditional publisher, is quoting figures pre-2016. That shit just doesn’t happen anymore. Anyone who tells you that it does, is lying and trying to sell you something.

Refresh.

See? I know what I’m talking about. Mine is still tanked. Maybe I could write an underwater novel? Start with my book, after all, it’s already sitting there at the bottom of the Ocean.

At least my book isn’t Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings.

Refresh. Nope, same story. I went on and on and on and on about it on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, even Tumblr. The book is coming. It came, it went, it sunk and now the only person Obsessing Over Amazon Rankings for this book, is me.

Problem is, it’s a good book. I know because my sister said so. So did my best friend. They loved the book. But were too busy to go and review it.

Refresh.

Yep, my life as an author is over.

Wait, let me finish writing this third book. It’s about male prostitution. I’m calling it Toby. The first one didn’t work and even as I became Obsessed Over Amazon Rankings, I’m starting to get obsessed with writing books. As if I didn’t learn from the first one.

Refresh. Put gun to head. Hold trigger. Wait. One more time. Just in case. Do it. Just check one last time before you end it all.

Refresh. Damn. I just sold a dozen books!!! I’m so happy, better Tweet, Facebook, Insta, Tumblr, Whatsapp to all my friends. This is exciting. I’m a published author! Monique just sold a whole fucking dozen copies in a day! Whoop.

Refresh.