Surviving BPD in Relationships
Surviving BPD in Relationships: How I Unmasked a Borderline Personality
When I first met him, I thought I had found a whirlwind romance. The highs were intoxicating. The connection felt cosmic and the sex was phenomenal. But soon enough, the emotional rollercoaster began. At first, I blamed it on stress, maybe even bipolar disorder. But the patterns were different. The emotional swings were more intense, more unpredictable. That is when I stumbled onto the reality of Borderline Personality Disorder and why I want to talk about BPD in relationships.
Let me be crystal clear. BPD is not a punchline or a TikTok trend. It is a deeply complex mental health disorder that affects emotional regulation, self-image, relationships, manipulation, gaslighting and behaviour. When someone with untreated BPD forms an attachment, it can feel like the most intense love story of your life. But it is also riddled with instability, rage, fear of abandonment, impulsivity, and emotional chaos.
In BPD relationships, there is often a “favourite person.” And once you are that person, you are pulled into the storm whether you like it or not.
What is BPD in Relationships, Really?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness that affects how someone thinks, feels and interacts with others. It often stems from trauma, abandonment, or emotional neglect during childhood. People with BPD may not know who they are from one day to the next. They may experience extreme emotional swings, cling to others for fear of abandonment, and then push them away out of the same fear.
Some people with BPD seek treatment. Many do not.
Common Signs of BPD in Relationships
Here is what I wish I had known before dating someone who had untreated BPD. These signs are not diagnostic, but they are red flags to be aware of.
Emotional Instability
- He could go from loving to furious in minutes
- Minor disagreements became catastrophic events
- Every emotion was dialled up to eleven
Fear of Abandonment
- Constant questions about whether I loved him
- Meltdowns if I needed space
- Accusations if I spent time with anyone else
Idealisation and Devaluation
- I was “perfect” until I was “evil”
- One day he adored me, the next I was the enemy
- There was no middle ground
Intense Attachment to a Favourite Person
- I became his everything overnight
- He mirrored me, imitated my speech, even my expressions
- When I pulled back, he unravelled
Manipulation and Gaslighting
- He twisted reality constantly
- I started to question my own memory
- He played the victim even when he had caused the chaos
- Manipulated me so perfectly, I couldn’t even tell
Impulsive and Risky Behaviour
- He took drugs I did not know about
- Slept with strangers while we were together and hid it
- Spent money recklessly
When It Looks Like Love, But It Is Not
It felt like passion. Obsession. Chemistry. But in hindsight, I know now it was trauma bonding. He would break me, then comfort me. Hurt me, then rescue me. It was a constant loop of destruction and affection, and I was too confused to leave.
The sex? Phenomenal. Otherworldly. It felt like the only time we truly connected without chaos. But I now see that it was part of the illusion. Intimacy was used as glue, as currency, and sometimes as control. The sex was highly likely the primary reason I stayed for so long.
BPD Versus Bipolar Disorder
Many people confuse BPD with bipolar disorder, including therapists. Here are the key differences.
BPD:
- Mood swings happen in reaction to events (often within hours)
- Fear of abandonment is central
- Identity is unstable
- Relationships are chaotic
- Often tied to trauma and attachment wounds
Bipolar Disorder:
- Mood changes last days or weeks
- Not always triggered by events
- Includes mania or hypomania
- More likely to respond to mood stabilisers
- Does not typically involve identity confusion or unstable relationships
Knowing the difference matters because treatment for BPD is often dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), not mood stabilisers alone.
Quiet BPD and the Hidden Collapse
He did not always explode. Sometimes, he shut down. He became cold, silent, self-punishing. That is what is often called “quiet BPD.” These individuals internalise their rage, but the instability is still there. It is just less visible.
For my experience, I spent nights trying to reach him emotionally, thinking he was depressed. But really, he was cycling through BPD collapse, possibly worsened by drugs I did not yet know about.
The Chaos of BPD and ADHD
By this time, it was clear to me he had undiagnosed ADHD and Autism. On top of BPD. Mix in GHB, Meth, and unresolved trauma, and you have a cocktail for chaos. I would blame his behaviour on ADHD forgetfulness or sensory issues from Autism. And sure, those were real. But it did not excuse the gaslighting, lying or calculated manipulation.
The overlap between ADHD and BPD can be confusing:
- Impulsivity is common in both
- Emotional dysregulation overlaps
- Difficulty with relationships is shared
But one is a neurodevelopmental condition. The other is a personality disorder rooted in deep emotional trauma.
Turning Point
This was the turning point. Once the relationship ended, the mask fully dropped. That was when I saw the narcissistic traits. Not the vulnerable narcissism that hides beneath many BPD profiles, but something colder. More strategic.
He played people like pawns. Filmed people without their knowledge. Lied pathologically. Sabotaged me professionally. Used revenge tactics that no one with just BPD would think up.
Oh yeah, and he falsely accused me of sexual assault, which led to an arrest. Yeah, that happened too.
I began to realise he might not just have had BPD. I might have been dealing with a dark triad case: Narcissism. Psychopathy. Machiavellianism. Please subscribe because a blog on dark triad is coming.
And suddenly, everything made sense.
And things got much worse after I discovered he was a malignant narcissist. If you’ve never dealt with one, read my post on vindictive narcissist behaviour to see just how dark that rabbit hole goes.
The Emotional Cost of Staying
Let me say this plainly. Staying with someone who has untreated BPD, especially if layered with other disorders and addictions, will destroy you. It will suck the air out of your lungs, ruin your confidence, leave you traumatised and confused. Possibly even isolated.
You will:
- Stop trusting your own memory
- Feel responsible for their moods
- Sacrifice your boundaries daily
- Become isolated from friends and reality
- Be convinced that love should feel like war
And if you are like me, you will spend months trying to fix it. Trying to help. Trying to save them.
You cannot. You’re supposed to be their partner, not their therapist.
How I Got Out
It took me being jailed in Europe, losing my mind, watching my business collapse, and nearly losing everything to finally cut him off. And even then, he came back. Emails. Impersonation. Fake profiles. Password reset attempts. Hidden cameras. Blackmail.
He had turned from a chaotic partner to a calculated, vengeful, vindictive, manipulative stalker.
That was when I accepted the truth: he had traits of a malignant narcissist. And that is when I stopped romanticising the chaos and started rebuilding my life.
Final Thoughts on BPD in Relationships
If you are in a relationship with someone who might have BPD, understand this: they are not evil. But untreated BPD in relationships is dangerous. It will consume everything around it. Love alone will not save it.
Get therapy. Learn the signs. Protect your sanity.
Because no matter how phenomenal the sex is, it is not worth losing your life over.
If you’re trying to understand the overlap between BPD, NPD, and ADHD in relationships, don’t miss my deeper dive: Surviving BPD and NPD: ADHD, Addiction, and Everything In Between. It’s the full psychological autopsy.
Also, there’s a book. Yeah, a book. It’s called, Good Luck Getting Rid of Me. I warn you, it’s brutal.
Good Luck Getting Rid of Me is currently being developed across multiple formats including book, podcast, and streaming series.
Initial conversations with production partners are underway.
Interested media or collaborators should get in touch via FoxEmerson.com/contact.
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