Phenomenal Sex and Devastating Aftermath
Phenomenal Sex and Devastating Aftermath: Trauma Bonding
It starts with fireworks. The kind of sex that makes your body forget it’s ever belonged to anyone else. That kind of sex. You look into their eyes, and it feels like you’ve finally been seen, fully, completely. You think, maybe this is love. Maybe this is the one. When the sex is phenomenal and the connection feels so real. It probably is, but there’s a reason for it. You might be wrong. This could be trauma bonding. Especially if you suspect your partner or someone new is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder. Or worse; both. If you suspect they have both, read my post on bpd and npd.
That intensity, that unbelievable connection… it’s not an accident. It’s a hook. You were chosen because of it. That level of euphoria doesn’t come from compatibility. It comes from manipulation. It’s the beginning of trauma bonding. And by the time you realise, you’re already in too deep.
I didn’t know what trauma bonding was until I lived through it. I thought we were just having the best sex of our lives. But it was never just sex. It was a weapon, and I didn’t know I’d been shot until I was bleeding.
The Fantasy vs. Reality
Cognitive dissonance kicks in early. One moment they’re perfect, attentive, electric. The next, cold, detached, or worse, cruel. But you hold on to the version that makes you feel alive. The brain wants consistency but often settles for fantasy.
So you try to fix them. You convince yourself that they’re just hurting, or in a bad place, or their ex destroyed their faith in people. You believe they just need love and if you could just love them hard enough, they’ll heal.
But that’s not how this works. These personalities, whether shaped by trauma, disordered behaviour, or something darker, don’t want healing. They want control. And they are magnetically drawn to empathy like moths to a flame. If you have high emotional sensitivity, you’re a lighthouse in their storm. But they aren’t coming ashore to be saved. They’re here to sink your ship. If a narcissist has ‘fallen in love with you’, it’s probably because you’re a highly empathetic person.
Empathy is your achilles heel; your kryptonite. It’s also what makes you a great person and what caught their eye in the first place. There’s science to this too.
Understanding Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is what happens when your mind tries to hold two opposing truths at once. “They hurt me” and “They love me.” “They lied” and “They said I’m the only one.” That internal tension forces your brain to pick a narrative, usually the one that feels safer. So you downplay the lies and you excuse the cruelty. You tell yourself it was just stress, or their trauma talking, or your fault. You edit the truth to protect the fantasy. And every time you do, you slip deeper into the cycle.
It happens when all the evidence points to them cheating. Perhaps the messages, behaviour, that gut feeling that will not shut up, but they sit across from you, wide-eyed and heartbroken that you could ever doubt them. They cry. They swear on their life or their nephews lives. And somehow, you find yourself apologising. You start wondering if you are paranoid. That is cognitive dissonance used as a weapon. And it is one of their sharpest tools.
The Narcissist Relationship Cycle: Trauma Bonding
You don’t fall into love with them. You fall into a trap. It looks like love. It feels like love. But it’s a trap disguised as salvation. And once it clicks shut, you can’t remember how life was before them. You don’t know where you end and they begin. This is how trauma bonding traps you, through the illusion of love and safety.
They convince you they love you. And maybe, in their twisted way, they believe it. But what they call love is possession. And what you mistake for passion is often chaos. One day you’re everything to them, the next you’re the enemy. They rage, and sometimes they disappear. Often they will lie. If you’re with a narcissist, you need to understand something very real. Narcissists are professional level liars. They might beg, turn up the charm. They can seduce like the master manipulators they are. And the cycle continues.
Until you try and leave. Oh boy… we’ll get to that in a moment in the Smear Campaign.
Excuses and Gaslighting
They always have an excuse. A reason and a sob story. When things go wrong, it’s never their fault. Maybe their boss is out to get them (if they even have a job). Their ex is vindictive, or even their friends are jealous. You’re too sensitive or too emotional and they’re just tired. And on it goes. There’s always a reason, but it’s never their fault. You start doubting yourself, perhaps you apologise more. Sometimes you’ll make excuses for them. But you’ll carry the emotional load alone. You might even have friends try and point out the red flags to you, but you are in so deep that there’s no way you’ll heed any such warning.
The Eyes Tell a Story
The coldness in their eyes. The way they lie without even blinking. The complete lack of empathy. Honestly, it’s like watching a reptile rehearse for a human role. Chilling doesn’t even cover it.
People talk about their partner’s eyes going black when they’re angry, and while that might sound like something out of a horror film, there’s a fairly dull scientific reason behind it. Adrenaline and cortisol flood the system, pupils dilate, and suddenly your sweetie looks like they’ve been possessed by a demon. It’s not magic actually, it’s biology. But that doesn’t make it less terrifying when you’re staring into those dark marbles wondering if you’ll make it out of the conversation alive.
Of course, if you ask the more spiritually inclined, like Dr Joe Dispenza, he’ll tell you there’s something deeper going on. And by “deeper,” I mean “possibly demonic.” In one of his videos, he suggests some of these types aren’t just emotionally detached. They might be hosting guests. Unwelcome ones. Whether you take that literally or see it as a metaphor for unresolved trauma and ego-driven delusion is entirely up to you. Either way, the moment their eyes change, you know. You’re no longer dealing with a partner. You’re dealing with something else.
Black eyes, black hearts, black humour. We deal however we can. If you’ve seen those black eyes, you’ll never forget it and you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Addictive Sex and Psychological Traps
But the sex. That’s the anchor. Every time you think you’ve had enough, they reel you back in with a look, a touch, a night you’ll never forget. And it keeps you stuck. Chasing the high. Waiting for the return of that intoxicating beginning. But it never lasts and it’s often so fleeting, it will never be enough. That’s when you really have to do a sanity check and ask yourself just what you’re getting out of this.
There’s science to this too. The dopamine rush from intense sex bonds you chemically to them. You’re high on them. Literally. The withdrawal is real and they know it. And that’s the thing; they use it. Just when you’re slipping away, they throw you another hit. You pack, or you threaten to leave, and they cry, convince you that you’re being ridiculous. What you’re thinking is crazy. How could you throw away all that love? What about the sex?
Sometimes it’s worse. Mine actually threatened at this point he’d go have sex with someone else. And the worst part? I stayed. Beacause… trauma bonding.
Escalation and Emotional Captivity
Soon you’re trapped. And not just emotionally. They might have compromising information, access to your accounts, connections to your friends. The manipulation escalates. Here’s where it can get really bad because it can turn into blackmail. Sometimes threats and often they simply disappear until the silence becomes its own form of torture.
And you still remember the way they touched you and you miss parts of them. You miss the sex, or you miss that rare moment when they acted like lovely human beings.
Breaking Free From the Trauma Bonding
You don’t leave relationships like these because the love fades. You leave because the aftermath is destroying you. The grief is a war zone. One where the enemy wore your lover’s face.
If you’ve lived through this, I want you to know this: it wasn’t love. It was control. It wasn’t your fault. And it doesn’t define you. This is trauma bonding and it’s a very real thing.
I tell this story because I lived it. Because it nearly broke me and because I’m still healing. But mostly because someone else reading this might just recognise the pattern and realise it’s time to run.
And if you’re trying to let go of someone who left a mark on your soul with their hands and their chaos, know this: the best sex of your life should never come with the worst pain you’ve ever known.
I’ve begun documenting this journey in my new book. Download a free chapter from Good Luck Getting Rid of Me. Subscribe for updates.
The Smear Campaign: When You Try to Escape
You’d think the worst of it was over once you finally leave. You’ve dragged yourself out of the swamp, gasping for air, bleeding from the inside out, and somehow still crawling. But no. That’s not when it ends. That’s when the smear campaign begins.
Because how dare you leave.
Suddenly, you’re the villain. The abuser. The addict. The unhinged one. They rewrite the story with the creativity of a fantasy novelist and the venom of a scorned god. And here’s the worst part: some people will believe them. They’re charming. They’re convincing. And they’ve had time to prepare this little narrative while you were too busy surviving. Some study for years to become doctors, analysts, lawyers, researchers. These people have spent their entire lives studying people like you and I.
In my case, it started with whispers. Emails. Comments. Anonymous “concerns” sent to business contacts, friends, and even clients. They sent revenge porn. Screenshots taken out of context. Emails crafted to look like I was unstable, dangerous, predatory. They contacted people close to me and tried to turn them against me, painting me as some monster in a story they’d manufactured. They had me falsely jailed for sexual assault.
I lost clients and I lost income. I distanced myself from friends who didn’t know better. My business? Burned to the ground. My reputation? Dragged through every gutter he could find. All because I said no. Because I stopped replying. Because I refused to play the game anymore.
Smear campaigns are not a tantrum. They’re a war. And their weapon of choice is your past, twisted and thrown like shrapnel. They don’t want closure. They want destruction. Not because they’re heartbroken, but because you took away their favourite toy: control.
And the worst part? If you respond, defend yourself, try to correct the record; you look guilty. You look obsessed and probably even look like them. That’s the trap. They burn your house down and hand you the match, just to watch you try and explain why you didn’t light it.
So what do you do?
You document, keep records and speak your truth to people who matter. And you hold your ground, no matter how hard they try to knock you off it. Let them talk and rage. You are not what they say. You never were. And if people are stupid enough to believe their version of events, you don’t need those people in your life anyway.
What you are is free. And that’s what terrifies them most.
The worst part of being involved with a narcissist is that when it finally ends, that’s just the beginning.
So what do you do now?
You breathe and you grieve. It’s ok to get angry, and then you get clear. Trauma bonding doesn’t let go easily, because it’s not meant to. But it can be broken.
Start by cutting contact. Block the numbers, delete the emails, stop watching their online breadcrumbs. The addiction will scream at first. That’s normal. That’s the withdrawal.
Lean into therapy and into friends who knew you before the chaos. Journal every day. Move your body. Get back into your life (your real life) the one you had before they made you question everything.
And if you slip, if you miss them, if your body aches for them, know this: it’s not love. It’s trauma, dressed in silk sheets and candlelight.
You can love again. You will. But not them. Never them.
Let them haunt someone else’s memories. Understand one thing; if they meet someone else, feel sorry for that next person. They’re about to go through what you went through. But you? You’ve got a future to rebuild.