Humans are Alien Babies from Long Ago

Humans Are Alien Babies From Long Ago

The Galactic Baby Dump Theory

So here’s a thought that should ruin your next church picnic: what if humans didn’t evolve here, but were dumped here? Like cosmic orphans. Or worse, failed science experiments left behind by alien parents who got tired of our whining and bailed. Think about it. What kind of responsible creator gives us back hair, wisdom teeth, and TikTok?

Evolution? Cute story. Except we’re the only species that needs SPF 50 just to go outside, can’t see in the dark, and literally chokes on our own food. We sweat like pigs, panic over public speaking, and can’t digest half the planet’s natural produce without a pharmaceutical chaser. Honestly, we function like a beta version of a better species.

Welcome to Earth: The Galactic Daycare

Imagine this scenario: Some advanced civilization is flying past this blue rock, looks down, and says, “Yup, this looks remote enough. Drop the fleshy ones here.”

Congratulations, humanity. You’re the equivalent of a toddler left at grandma’s while the parents vacation in Andromeda.

It explains a lot. Like why we can’t seem to agree on anything. We’re not from the same place, and appear to be a melting pot of interstellar DNA, cobbled together by species who probably argued over who got stuck babysitting us. The lizard people, the tall whites, the glowing jellyfish from Zeta Reticuli… they all had a hand in this. We are the Frankenstein soup of the galaxy.

Alien Genes, Dumb Decisions

You ever wonder why we’re obsessed with space? It’s not curiosity. It’s homesickness.

We build massive rockets to fling ourselves into the stars, but we still can’t figure out how to live together without turning every disagreement into World War III. And we binge-watch alien documentaries while denying climate change, then send Teslas into space while half the world can’t get clean drinking water. That’s not intelligence. That’s amnesia. Especially as we didn’t attach the owner into one of those cars. Without a spacesuit. That’s where we went wrong.

We’ve forgotten who we are because nobody left a manual. No, the Bible doesn’t count… it reads like a mixtape of hallucinations, metaphors, and PR spin. And don’t get me started on organised religion. If your cosmic origin story involves magical boats, snakes that talk, and someone turning water into Merlot, maybe consider the alien-baby theory as the less insane option.

And yet, buried in all that dogma is something no one seems to notice. In every major text, there’s some version of: “God came down from the heavens in a flaming chariot.” You know what that sounds like? A spaceship. A dramatic, intergalactic Uber. Straight out of the alien gods mythology.

Evolution vs. Insertion

Sure, evolution played a part. But only after we were dropped here like space spam. Natural selection had to pick up the slack from all the alien bioengineering that didn’t quite work out. Why else would half the population still get their appendix inflamed for no reason?

You think giraffes just happened? No. That’s an alien art project that went too far. Platypuses? Don’t even get me started. That’s what happens when interns do genetics unsupervised.

The average surface temperature today on Mars is still around -55° Celsius. At the equator it might get up to a toasty 20°, but at the poles it plummets to -153°, making water mostly frozen and probably buried underground. Scientists have posited that between 3 to 4 billion years ago, Mars had a thicker atmosphere and a warmer climate. Today’s Martian air is far too thin and cold for us pink meat sacks to survive, but that doesn’t mean it was always a no-go zone. We’ve found strong evidence of bacteria’s potential survival on Mars, but no actual Martians handing out souvenirs. Yet.

So maybe our alien ancestors packed up when things got icy and decided Earth was the next best sandbox.

If We’re Alien Babies, Where Are Our Parents?

Good question. Probably drunk somewhere, bragging about how their little experiment is “almost sentient now.”

Or maybe they’re watching us like a reality show. Every now and then, a UFO checks in and goes, “Yep, still fighting over imaginary lines and screaming into smartphones. Adorable.”

Maybe they’re waiting for us to graduate galactic kindergarten. Learn to share, stop blowing each other up and stop making dating shows. Once we prove we can go five minutes without a nuclear tantrum, maybe they’ll send someone down with a space bus and say, “Alright kids, recess is over. Back to Zorblatt 9.”

Humanity: The Sequel

If we humans are alien babies from long ago, maybe this whole mess makes sense. The violence, the chaos, the bursts of genius. We’re not broken… we’re incomplete.

We’re still cooking. Still morphing into something that might actually deserve a place at the intergalactic grown-up table. And maybe that’s what evolution really is: not just survival of the fittest, but the transformation of the confused.

Until then, we’re just a bunch of lost alien toddlers, throwing tantrums on a rock in space, drawing in the dirt, dreaming of the stars, and occasionally inventing Wi-Fi.

And you know what? That’s kind of beautiful. Horrifying. But beautiful.

If you’re into theories that ride the line between brilliant and batshit, you’ll probably love my novel Circle in the Sand. It’s like Prometheus if it were written during a midlife crisis, with less murder and more sarcasm.

Also, if you’re into alien-baby stuff (and you made it this far), check out Alien Gods and the Afterlife, my other cosmic meltdown masquerading as a blog post. And hey, while you’re at it, send me your wildest UFO dream. I’m building a database. For science, of course.

In 2025, I’ve switched gears and gone down the narcissist route, dark triad and dark tetrad, with the occasional glory hole posts. From bromance vs romance to Memoir & Real Life, I’ve happily gone completely and utterly unhinged, and somehow built a following along the way.