10 Things That Would Top off 2020 Like Arsenic Icing

Just in Case This Nonsense Turns Out Prophetic

10 Things That Would Top off 2020 Like Arsenic Icing. I’m hereby declaring myself a visionary. Foxstradamus, out.

2020 was already a dumpster fire on a jet ski aimed at a fireworks factory.

But what if the universe looked down and said, “Hold my beer”? Here are ten gloriously unhinged scenarios that could’ve made this cursed year even more apocalyptic.

1. Aliens Land… and They’re Not Impressed

Her name might be Sally or Vjkxzspftrn… honestly, at this point who cares, but if an alien ship mistook the Trump National Golf Club for a goddamn runway and landed smack dab on the 9th hole, we’d just look up, shrug, and ask if they’ve got snacks. In 2019 we’d have screamed and bolted. In 2020? We’d start negotiating asylum.

And if they met Trump? They’d assume he’s our supreme leader, turn their ship around, and log a “do not engage” note in their Galactic Yelp review of Earth.

2. Super Volcano Goes Full Diva

You know what we don’t need? The Earth cracking open like a pissed-off piñata. Yellowstone or some other dormant diva could erupt, blanket the skies with ash, and make your Instagram filter redundant. Influencers would use the haze for moody aesthetic shots while governments tell us ash is nutritious. Meanwhile, Karen from accounting’s sourdough starter survives, because of course it does.

3. Trump Goes Full Emperor Palpatine

Just picture it: Trump barricades himself in the White House with a barricade made of Diet Coke cans and Melania’s side-eyes. He declares himself Eternal President of the United States and names Kanye his royal vizier. Scientists, high on despair and Red Bull, upload his brain into a 20-year-old TikTok influencer’s body. Cue the dictatorship of the century, live-streamed with NFT merchandise.

4. Musk Yeets to Mars

Elon builds a rocket shaped like a middle finger, climbs inside with a few crypto bros, and launches himself off this flaming planet. His parting tweet? “Earth was mid.” Rumors swirl that billionaires have off-planet condos in orbit, sipping lab-grown chardonnay while Earth burns.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are left with Amazon drones and Musk’s unfinished tunnels.

5. World War WTF

Maybe we’re already in World War Three, but it’s the kind fought with memes, bots, and viral disinfo campaigns. Covid? Weapon. Trump? Human chaos grenade. Russia and China watching us self-destruct like it’s reality TV. One day, some intern leaks the memo and we realize the war’s been raging since 2016. Too bad the resistance leader is currently livestreaming from his mom’s basement.

6. China Pulls Back the Curtain

While we were busy arguing about mask mandates and TikTok dances, China quietly took the lead in GDP, tech, and world domination. They banned our apps, bought half our farmland, and slipped spyware into our smart fridges. Turns out the dragon was never sleeping, it was just pretending to snore. If Xi Jinping announces galactic conquest, we won’t even flinch.

7. Earth’s Weather Throws a Fit

Fires in Australia, hurricanes getting their own fraternity letters, ice caps sobbing into the ocean… yeah, Mother Nature’s pissed. Scientists beg for change. Politicians say, “What climate crisis?” and offer coupons for ash-covered apples.

The forecast for 2021? Mostly apocalyptic, with a chance of spontaneous combustion.

8. The Great Reset Becomes a Real Thing

Sick of being ruled by lizard-brained billionaires? You’re not alone. The whispers of a Great Reset turned into a primal scream. The system cracked like an overcooked crème brûlée. People started questioning capitalism, billionaires started building bunkers, and Twitter economists declared war on hedge funds. It’s not the revolution we ordered, but it’s the one coming in a flaming Amazon box.

9. Absolutely Nothing Happens

No aliens. No nukes and no dramatic cosmic twist. Just a boring-ass December with warm wine and predictable holiday cheer. The vaccine works, we all pretend it was just a bad dream, and 2021 waltzes in looking suspiciously clean. Honestly? That’d be the biggest twist of all.

10. E.T. Finally Gets Through

You remember that scene where E.T. tried to phone home? What if that call took 38 years to connect? This year, Sally at Alpha-bumfucknowhere-centauri’s switchboard finally picks up and says, “Wait, who dis?” And just like that, they send someone to check on Earth… and then ghost us harder than your last Tinder match.

So if any of this actually happens, just remember: I warned you. And if none of it does? Well, maybe the aliens read this post, decided we were self-aware, and spared us.

Foxstradamus, signing off… again.

So look, now and again, I write insane shit so I can clear my brain to write more insane shit. I file it under WTF Did I Just Write and get the fuck on with my life. Which, these days involves writing about fucking crazy narcissists, comparing glory holes to confessionals, and whether bromance is gay.