Wrong House, Mother Fucker: A Love Story in Bug Spray and HP Rage
Wrong House, Mother Fucker: A Love Story in Bug Spray and HP Rage
Back in 2016, I was living in Perth when a red-back spider made the unforgivable mistake of wandering into my house. Naturally, I did what any traumatised Australian would do… I sprayed it to hell with a can of bug spray until it looked like it had been dipped in flour. My partner walked past and said, “What’s that white cotton ball crawling across the floor?”
Wrong house, mother fucker.
It became my life motto shortly after.
Enter HP: A Modern Tragedy in Tech Form
At the time, I’d made another dumb mistake, by buying a Hewlett-Packard laptop. After years in IT, I mistakenly believed HP was still a solid brand. That illusion shattered faster than their support system when the laptop arrived faulty.
HP sent UPS to collect the broken machine and deliver a replacement. I waited in my Florence apartment like a tech-deprived monk. Four days passed. I skipped errands, plans, and possibly a minor nervous breakdown, just to make sure I didn’t miss the courier.
Finally, Thursday afternoon, the doorbell rang. I ran. Full sprint. By the time I made it downstairs, the UPS van was already vanishing like a bad date’s excuse. HP later informed me they “attempted delivery” and that I wasn’t home.
Friday, I was downstairs. Front door. Armed with a can of bug spray, ready to reenact my spider scene on the delivery guy who was bugging me. If he turned up, I was going to spray him, grab my laptop, and calmly say: “Wrong house, mother fucker.”
A Comedy of Errors
Days later, still no laptop. HP kept telling me they were “working on it.” Apparently it takes complex logistical wizardry to move a package from Milan to Florence (hint: it fucking doesn’t), despite being the same country, same decade, and supposedly, a tech company.
Then, plot twist: they had delivered it… to the building next door. I think I even heard someone shout the magic phrase. By that point, I’d already requested a refund. HP had failed on build quality, failed on delivery, and failed on listening to the most basic of instructions.
Their final customer service performance was impressive, though. I called, they said they’d tried to deliver it again. I asked, “Where?”
You guessed it.
Wrong house, mother fucker.
A Bright Spot: Reddit Redemption
Despite the laptop saga, I managed to pull off a Reddit Author Spotlight on /r/books. It was an AMA (Ask Me Anything), and I was slightly prepared but massively underestimating what would happen next.
Over 2,000 upvotes. Front page. More than 350 comments. I got trolled maybe a dozen times… a record low for Reddit. My response to each troll? You already know.
Wrong house, mother fucker.
I sold hundreds of books, got direct feedback on Mr 303, and picked up beta readers, scientific consultants, and a few hilarious insults. One guy responded to my AMA title, “I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just Australian” with this gem:
“I hate the Australian accent. In fact, I think most Americans do.”
Wrong house, mother fucker.
The Takeaway
Between spider warfare, HP disasters, and Reddit fame, 2016 taught me two things:
- Always double-check and do some thorough research on your tech brand before buying.
- Always have a battle cry ready.
Mine just happens to involve bug spray and boundary enforcement.
Cheers for tuning in. Hope you had a laugh, because God knows I needed one.
Fox