People Seem to be Getting Grumpier

People Seem to Be Getting Grumpier (Part One of Yet Another Zombie Story)

The Salad Oracle Predicts Doom

“Is it just me or are people getting grumpier?”

“What do you mean? Today?”

“No, in general. Don’t you notice it too? Over the years it seems like people go from fine to full-blown rage in 0.3 seconds. They seem permanently ready to snap.”

I studied her. The Salad Oracle. She sat across from me chewing lettuce with the mechanical precision of someone legally obligated to hit 100 chews per bite. It was like watching a goat that went to finishing school.

The Grumpy Epidemic

“Why do you take so long to eat?”

“What? I don’t swallow until it’s paste. Also, don’t change the subject. Can’t you see it too? People are feral.”

My shepherd’s pie had been devoured and digested long before her salad had even broken eye contact with the fork. I looked over her shoulder as two teenage girls walked into the cafe, laughing.

“They look happy to me.”

She rolled her eyes and resumed her slow-motion salad massacre. The cafe itself wasn’t helping. It had all the personality of a hospital waiting room, minus the drama. White walls, tragic art, depressing lighting. Basically the perfect setting for a casual conversation about societal decline.

She paused to swallow a bite she’d been working on since the Bush administration. “At work. On the train. At the gym. In cafes. You’ve definitely noticed. People seem to be getting grumpier.”

“Repeating it like a malfunctioning Siri doesn’t make it gospel. Maybe it’s just you.”

This earned me a fork twitch and a new chew cycle. But she wasn’t wrong. Not completely. People did seem more impatient. Work emails were snappier. Everyone seemed permanently on edge. Maybe the cost of living crisis had finally killed off hope.

“See?” she said, triumphantly poking a cucumber chunk like it owed her money.

The Salad Conspiracy Grows

“I’ll think about it. How’s Ronnie’s new job?”

I tried to shift the topic. Bad move. She paused, fork mid-air, salad forgotten for a second. While she launched into an answer I immediately stopped listening to, my brain wandered.

I scanned the cafe. Aside from the two laughing girls, everyone looked like they were attending a wake. Whispering, glaring, grimacing. A woman near the window was clearly bitching about someone just out of view, complete with hand shielding her mouth in a way that screamed “subtle as a chainsaw.”

Was she right? Were people just… grumpier?

“Where did you go?”

“What? Huh?”

“You didn’t hear a damn word I said.”

She stared at me. Those big blue eyes. That annoyingly flawless pregnant glow. I opened my mouth to lie and she shut it down with a single look. I changed tactics, fast.

“You’re probably right. Maybe people have been grumpier lately. I just hadn’t really noticed. Until now.”

She didn’t buy it for a second. But she let it slide. She had salad to finish. Half of it. Possibly before the Earth collapsed.

And Then the World Shifted

Then it happened.

A sudden explosion shook the entire building. The floor lurched. Cutlery and glass clattered to the ground. We heard a crash and screaming from the kitchen… but it wasn’t the source.

The explosion had come from outside.

She turned to look and screamed, knocking the table into me. My chair scraped back as I followed her gaze.

Silence fell like a thick curtain. Everyone in the cafe turned to stare at the same thing.

Outside, something was very, very wrong.

To Be Continued…

End of Part One

Read Part Two: People Seem to Be Getting Grumpier Part 2

Fox Emerson is the author of Monique, a novel available nowhere near this salad.