How to Stop Seeking Validation Without Becoming a Soulless Monk

How to Stop Seeking Validation Without Becoming a Soulless Monk

If you’re wondering how to stop seeking validation, you’re not alone. Nothing hits quite like a “like” on your latest thirst trap or a casual “you’re amazing” from someone you wouldn’t even share your chips with. We’re wired to crave approval, but at some point, that hunger for attention starts eroding your self worth like acid on dignity.

Welcome to the psychological cage match of the decade: External Validation vs Internal Worth. Gloves off. Let’s rumble.

Round One: External Validation. The People Pleaser’s Protein Shake.

External validation is like one of those overpriced smoothies with 48 ingredients and zero nutritional value. Feels great going down. You crash fifteen minutes later and wonder why you feel like an empty husk.

We all want to be told we’re killing it. Our ancestors probably handed out compliments like survival tokens. “Nice fire-starting, Linda” might’ve earned a bigger mammoth steak. These days, it’s more like “You look amazing” (translation: please notice me so I don’t emotionally collapse).

But when you start making life decisions purely based on applause from the crowd, whether it’s your mum, your boss, or that influencer who thinks quinoa rhymes with ballerina, you’re not living. You’re performing. And spoiler alert: the crowd is fickle, distracted, and most of them can’t even commit to a Netflix series, let alone your emotional well-being.

Craving validation makes us editable. It turns your personality into an open Google Doc where anyone can leave comments. And if you live for that kind of feedback, welcome to a life of whiplash.

Round Two: Internal Worth. The Quiet Legend.

Knowing your worth is boring. It’s not sexy. It doesn’t come with a notification or a thumbs-up. But it is the difference between spiraling and surviving.

Internal worth is the unbothered part of you that can look in the mirror and say, “Yeah, I’m alright,” even when you’ve got toothpaste on your hoodie and existential dread in your soul. It’s not loud. It’s not flashy. It doesn’t post inspirational quotes over sunset backgrounds. It just exists. Like a solid WiFi signal or a perfectly brewed cuppa. Quietly dependable.

Building self confidence starts with caring more about what you think of yourself than what everyone else thinks of you. It’s a rebellious act, honestly. The world is out there selling self esteem in jars. Affirmations. Crystals. Productivity planners. Ayahuasca retreats. Internal worth just shrugs and says, “Nah, I’m good.”

Here’s something wild: I almost deleted this old post on The Age of Entitlement from 2016 because I thought it didn’t make me look clever enough. Then I realised… that was the whole damn point.

Why Do We Crave Validation So Much?

Before you can figure out how to stop seeking validation, it helps to understand why you crave it in the first place. And no, it’s not because you’re weak or broken. It’s because your brain is still acting like you’re in a cave surrounded by saber-toothed tigers and you need the tribe to survive.

From the time we’re kids, we learn that being liked equals being safe. Compliments equal love. Approval equals belonging. Somewhere between kindergarten and TikTok, that wiring got fused to a feedback loop so tight that a single emoji can either launch your serotonin or ruin your afternoon.

Validation is addictive because it feels like love with less risk. It’s applause without intimacy. But it also means your self worth becomes outsourced to people who don’t know you, don’t care about you, or are just as validation-starved as you are.

This is why emotional independence is hard. Because letting go of the need for approval means letting go of the illusion that you can control how others see you. And your ego? It hates that.

Signs You’re Addicted to External Validation

Let’s test it because there’s no shame here. Just a little reality check to see if you’ve crossed from “likes are nice” into “I am nothing without the algorithm.”

• You reread your own posts to see if they “hit”

• You check who viewed your story, then make another one to see if they look again

• You buy outfits for reactions, not comfort

• You replay compliments in your head like they’re audio porn

• You feel low when you’re not acknowledged, even when no one owes you a thing

• You change your opinion mid-conversation based on the room

• You can’t make a decision without asking someone else what they think

If any of this feels uncomfortably familiar, congratulations. You’re human. But you’re also stuck in the exhausting game of chasing approval. And that, my friend, is why learning how to stop seeking validation is one of the most powerful skills you’ll ever develop.

Social Media: The Colosseum of Validation

Let’s not pretend we’re above it. We’ve all posted something just provocative enough to fish for approval, then refreshed like we’re awaiting biopsy results.

Social media validation is a vending machine. You offer up curated bits of your soul, and if you’re lucky, it spits out hearts and dopamine. For a little while. But if your self worth lives or dies by engagement rates, you’ve basically outsourced your identity to the algorithm.

If you’re wondering how to stop seeking validation, you have to start here: post what matters, then walk away. Go outside. Eat something crunchy. Talk to your plant. Hell, nap. Naps are spiritual now.

Related: When a Narcissist Can’t Control You Anymore: 10 Things to Expect
Also read: Phenomenal Sex and Devastating Aftermath… because sometimes great sex and no self esteem go hand in hand.

How to Build Self Worth That Doesn’t Depend on Applause

This isn’t a 12-step program. It’s more like a series of tiny rebellions. Below are five real-world, no-bullshit ways to start improving your self worth without needing a motivational mug.

1. Make one decision without checking in with anyone

Big or small. Choose your next meal, your next outfit, or your next weekend plan based on what you want. Then don’t explain it to anyone.

2. Post something meaningful, then walk away

Don’t check the likes. Don’t respond to the first compliment. Just let it live. Let your ego scream, and don’t feed it.

3. Say no without apologising or over-explaining

“No” is a complete sentence. So is “I don’t want to.” Use them. Watch your confidence grow.

4. Do something just for you, in secret

Make something, wear something, write something that no one else ever sees. This is how you train your brain to validate itself.

5. Track what makes you feel good when no one’s watching

Your self worth skyrockets when you learn what feeds you without applause. Dancing in your kitchen. Crying to a song. Finishing something just because it mattered to you.

Why Internal Validation Feels So Uncomfortable at First

Learning how to stop seeking validation sounds empowering until you realise it’s also terrifying.

When you stop chasing approval, all the noise disappears. No feedback. No emoji applause. Just… silence. And if you’re not used to trusting your own opinion, that silence feels like rejection.

But it isn’t. It’s space. Space where your real voice finally gets to speak without being drowned out by everyone else’s.

The discomfort of internal validation is what keeps most people from ever fully committing to it. It’s easier to rely on others to tell you how you’re doing. It’s harder to decide that you’re already enough, without needing to prove it.

Push through that awkwardness. Sit in it. That silence is where your worth lives. And once you’re comfortable there, nothing anyone says can shake you.

Finding the Balance (Because Yes, You’re Still Human)

You’re allowed to enjoy validation. It’s lovely. Like someone saying your lasagne wasn’t completely overcooked. But don’t let it define your reality.

The goal isn’t to become a detached zen master who doesn’t care about anything. Unless you want to, in which case, namaste, weirdo. It’s to stop letting strangers’ opinions be the architect of your identity.

Let validation be dessert. Tasty, sweet, and totally optional. Your worth? That’s the bloody main course. The lasagne itself. Raw middle and all.

If you’ve ever found yourself performing instead of living, you might also enjoy:
Vindictive Narcissist Behaviour
Bromance:  Gloryholes, and Memoir & Real Life
The Age of Digital Masquerade

Final Thoughts (Because You Know I’m Gonna Leave You with One)

You are not a selfie, nor your follower count, your job title, your latest situationship, or how many people clapped when you did that TEDx talk in your living room.

You are a gloriously flawed, messy, magnificent human being. The kind who sometimes nails it and sometimes accidentally emails a meme to their boss. It happens.

So next time you catch yourself performing for the applause, pause and ask:

If no one clapped, would I still be proud of this?

If the answer is yes, congrats. You’ve already won.

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